Tips for Fleeing Death Eathers and Staying Alive
by AnimeFanBree
Summary: Sequel to "88 rules for a peaceful Hogwarts experience." The Ministry has been taken over by Voldemort and his goons. If you're on the list of undesirables, and not looking for horcruxs, these might help you. Or just amuse you.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: If I owned anything, would I be here?**

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><p>Yeah, so this can be considered a sequel to "88 Rules for a peaceful Hogwarts experience." The premise of this being that if you'll broken all of the rules, or caused them to written in the first place, then proceeded to tick off the Death Eaters once they've taken over the Ministry, you'll have to run for your life. Some of these will cross over with other fandoms.<p>

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><p><strong>Tips For Fleeing Death Eaters and Staying Alive<strong>

1. Do not refer to Death Eaters as "Inbreeds, who get stupider as their blood get's thicker and who, if given no other option, would procreate with their parents for the sake of keeping their bloodline pure."

2. Don't call Voldemort a "Snake faced bald guy with daddy issues and a mid-life crisis" in front of Bellatrix.

3. Don't be a Muggleborn.

It should be noted that if you have not ignored the first three tips, along with annoying Umbridge for all of Fifth Year, you probably won't be running for your life, but for those of you who have found themselves on the list of Undesirables, cut your losses, get the hell out of Dodge, and follow these tips.

4. Change your appearance. You're picture is on a wanted poster. Avoid glamour charms. Get some hair dye and a new wardrobe. Avoid anything that any wizard will think blends in.

5. Learn how to operate any and all vehicles. Cars, jet skis, golf cars, doesn't matter, just learn. You'll have to learn as you go without a manual and the vehicle with probably be stolen, which brings us to our next tip.

6. Learn how to steal a car. You WILL NOT have time to rent one.

7. If the car you try to steal shows any signs of sentience, abandon the attempt and move on.

8. Death Eaters do not obey jaywalking laws, you shouldn't either.

9. Don't looked panicked near a Government building.

10. There is no "I" in "team" but pointing out that there is an "I" in "Justice League" will not endear you to anyone.

- Naming every hero with the letter "I" in their name and starting with Batgirl and Robin will make Batman want to hit you.

11. If you are in America and the Death Eaters chasing you cause a lot of collateral damage, you are likely to attract the attention of the Winchester Brothers. Upon meeting them make sure they know that your magic didn't come from a Satanic ritual so they won't try to shoot you.

12. It is perfectly acceptable to scream like a little girl when an undead monkey suddenly appears inches from your face, especially if the moon is out.

13. Tia Dalma is scary, but very useful, so ignore the jar of eyeballs and wait it out.

14. The man in the blue box who call himself "The Doctor" can save your life, but will end up endangering it even more. But it will be the most fun you'll ever have in your life, so go with him anyway.

15. Getting into a cake vs. pie argument with Dean will make Sam want to hurt you.

16. Yes, Cas is an angel, but not _that_ kind of angel, so you'll be safe if you blink around him.

17. Captain Jack Harkness is immortal, and killing him every time he hits on you will just make him more determined.

18. Telling Mad- Eye Moody about Torchwood is a bad idea.

19. Starting a bar-fight is a great way to distract Death Eaters.

20. How to start a bar fight.

- Find the biggest, meanest looking guy in the bar and tell him that the Death Eater that followed you is eyeing his girlfriend.

- If it's a sports bar, find a guy in a jersey and tell him that the Death Eater that followed you says that his team sucks.

21. Introducing Mad- Eye to the Autobot Red Alert is a very, very, _very_, bad idea.

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><p>Should I contiune with this?<p>

Review Please!


	2. Chapter 2

Hey, glad you all wanted me to continue. Here are some tips from Meh111.

If stumbling upon camp half-blood, do NOT insult Mr.D. He is a god, even if he doesn't look it, and gets angered easily. Tell Ares the Death eater following you was eyeing is creepy, but he'll be a major help so stay calm and wait out the ride on Charon's gods get angry they blow stuff up. Keep this in mind.

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><p>22. Remember, it is only illegal to cast the Imperius curse on humans. Hang around zoos and you can have your own furry army and demonstrate all the weak points in the exhibits.<p>

- Not to self: See if Imperius works on Decepticons.

23. The Imperius does not work on Weeping Angels or Daleks.

24. If you use an alias make it realistic. No one will believe you if you say your name is Zeeblebuzz or John Smith.

25. If you're ever in Japan and see a red haired girl and a giant panda, run. Don't ask questions. Don't stop and stare. Run, just run for your sanity.

26. Crucio hurts. A lot.

27. Shouting "Leprechauns will tap dance on your grave!" in the middle of a fight will make everyone stop and stare, which will either give you time to run away, or give away your position.

28. If there's no way for the Death Eaters to find you, they will.

29. Death Eaters always show up the moment you relax.

30. If you're relaxed, you need to go to a hospital, or a psychiatrist.

31. If you're hurt, the closer you are to a hospital, the more likely it will be for Death Eaters to find you.

32. Brush up on Murphy's Laws via www. murpys- law .com. (Remove spaces)

- Specifically: C-4 can make a dull day fun.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Failure of plan A will directly affect your ability to carry out plan . . . tomorrow will be worse.

Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules. The Goblins have the gold.

33. If the cops take you in for questioning they will offer you a drink. If it's water, it will taste weird. If it is soda, it will be flat.

34. That creepy cop car- isn't.

35. It you run out of money and have to steal, take the bare minimum. The people you're stealing from have to eat too.

36. Don't steal in Gotham.

37. A gigantic motorized La-Z-Boy is awesome, but not a good get away vehicle.

38. If you don't want Death Eaters to find you either don't stand out, or stand out in such a way that no one will believe it's you.

39. That cracking noise when you jumped off the roof? That was your leg. Learn some healing charms.

40. It's a game of survival out there. If you're alive, you're winning. If you lose, you die.

41. Deserts are really hot. Aguamenti can help.

42. Running for your life is a lot more painful when you have a sunburn. Wear sunscreen.

43. Having a large extensive family that will help you even though you haven't seen them since the last family reunion is really useful. Thank them profusely.

44. Run like hell.

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><p>Go read Augustiflickan's fic "Our Story." My oc Bree is mentioned in it.<p>

Review!


	3. Chapter 3

Rules from Auctor

-if you see an Assassin, making clear that you are innocent and that the Death Eaters are murderers could save your life

-Death Eaters don't know about snipers or sniper rifle, too bad for them

-the closer you hide to the Death Eaters, the safer you will be : they look for people running away, not to the neighbors

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><p>45. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They're also harder to knock down. It's like trying to make a brick wall keel over.<p>

46. Bullets travel faster than most spells.

47. When in doubt, blow something up for a distraction, then run far away.

48. If you get lonely, there's always sock puppets.

49. Can't find a door to get out? Gaping holes in the wall work just as well.

50. If you're in pain, you're alive. Now quit feeling sorry for yourself and move.

51. Lie.

52. If you ever obtain a Fairy Godparent, you won't be able to kill Voldemort with it's magic. However, you can make his forces respect him less by wishing him into a tutu.

53. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, unless military vehicles are involved and forgiveness constitutes federal jail time.

- Especially if you only want to use the military vehicles to "Squish" things

54. If an unknown substance or object glows and makes your skin tingle when you get near it, assume it is radioactive and move on.

55. "You can't prove a thing!" is a really bad thing to say to a cop.

- Or a government agent.

- Or any kind of military personnel.

56. Shouting random words in order to create a new spell in the middle of a fight only works some of time and, according to Hermione, can get you blown up.

57. DUCK RIGHT NOW!

58. Asking military personnel who the weakest link in their chain of command is, is ill advised.

59. ATV+ Mud puddle of unknown depth= ATV stuck in mud.

- This also applies to any vehicle short of a monster truck.

60. Jumping stilts can be somewhat expensive, but with give you a definite advantage when fleeing for your life.

61. Flee the hospital before you get the bill. It's not like you asked the paramedics to take you there anyway.

62. Coming up with insulting names for your enemies in a good way to alleviate the boredom between Death Eater attacks.

63. Make sure there are several doors between you and the outside on nights when the moon is full.

- Preferably steel ones.

64. Children are not Satan's greatest gift to man and it is a bad idea to say that they are near a soldier who has spent very little time with his new baby.

65. Don't refer to Voldemort as "Baldy McSnakeface" if Bellatrix is around.

66. Bursting into tears for seemingly no reason can get people to leave you alone.

67. No one takes you seriously when you threaten them with a swordfish, right up until you inflict grievous bodily harm with it.

68. Produce carts magically appear when there's a chase. Grab a snack.

69. No really duck.

70. Roosters are mean.

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><p>Review!<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Reader Tips

From ccsakura21

-It is a very bad Idea to jump through a window into a world meeting, then tell a man with bushy eyebrows that death eaters are chasing you

-It is an even WORSE idea to get even remotely close to the perverted French-man of the scary Russian

~even if they can kick the death eater's buts within 5 seconds

From Auctor

- a Dalek will kill every deatheater he'll meet and give you time. but he'll also try to kill you.

- especially if you are with the doctor. in this case, he will ignore the deatheaters

- you are not superman- RUN FOREST RUN !

- If you are interrogated, looking like a german tourist can avoid trouble- if a deatheater can speak german, you are in deep shit

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><p>My tips.<p>

71. There are a lot of fashion trends in Japan that can make a person look unrecognizable. Take advantage of this.

72. If someone claims to be god, any god, just walk away.

- If someone claims to be an angel, walk away.

- If someone claims to be the archangel Zachariah, run away screaming.

73. If you like to wear clothes, you are guarantied to stand out at a nudist colony.

-If you don't like to wear clothes, you are either a nudist or a toddler.

74. Nudist colonies don't contain the kind of people you want to see naked.

-Neither do nude beaches.

75. Everyone reacts differently when you suggest that Voldemort is gay for Harry.

- Bellatrix will Crucio you.

- The twins will laugh.

- Death Eaters will exchange horrified looks.

-The order of the Phoenix will stare at you.

- Snape will start gagging.

- Harry will die a little inside.

76. It's not a compliment when someone says you're crude, crass & cynical.

77. The proper combination of compulsion charms, nuts, peanut butter, and furry woodland creatures can traumatize Death Eaters in such a way that whenever they hear or see a squirrel they will break down in tears and start to hyperventilate.

78. Always remember the Doctor's rule #1: The Doctor lies.

79. Always remember Gibbs' rules. Specifically:

_**Rule #3:**_ Don't believe what you're told. Double check

_**Rule #8:**_ Never take anything for granted.

_**Rule #9:**_ Never go anywhere without a knife

_**Rule #18:**_ It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission.

80. If you plan on doing something illegal, inject liquid laxatives into the cops jelly donuts beforehand. You'll be able to get away pretty easily.

81. Accidentally kidnapping someone and then telling that person "It's not kidnapping, it's a surprise trip you didn't even know you wanted!" will do nothing to calm your victim and will probably make them scream louder.

82. Using Imperio on flocks of birds and making them poop messages on the Impala is only funny until Dean figures out it was you and not Gabriel.

- It can be funny if he doesn't figure it out until you're in another state.

83. If you meet the personification of your nation you should be aware that backing away slowly and saying "Okay… I'm going to go be Canadian now." is insulting.

84. Most nations can't remember who Canada is.

85. Most nations can't see Canada either.

86. Acknowledging Canada when you see him will make him feel a little better about himself.

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><p><strong>Review please!<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Reader rules.**

**From Cryptological Mystification**

**1. If you find yourself in Bologne-Billancourt in France, do not seek out the old Renault factory. The supercomputer may be cool, and the virtual world inside it may be a good place to hide from Death Eaters, but the evil AI inside is looking to destroy both you, that pink-haired girl you meet, and the world as an extra bonus, so do not turn the thing on.**

**2. When in Chicago, do not go in the green house with the purple Men's door. There is an alien inside who will be more than happy to do experiments on you to figure out why you have magic, and if he doesn't figure out that you have it at all, he'll still do experiments on you anyway. **

**-The house that looks like the Powerpuff Girls', but darker and with an electric fence, is a far safer bet, as long as you don't interfere with the purple-haired girl's video games. Tell the scythe-haired kid with the trench coat about the Death Eaters chasing you, but conveniently forget the fact that you have magic, and you should be golden.**

**TV shows referenced: Code Lyoko, Invader Zim**

**From Mew Musica**

**If you happen to find yourself in Tokyo and you find a place called the Mew Mew Cafe, then there are some things you should be aware of:**

**1. Don't give the red-head named Ichigo catnip. Either she will be all over it, or she'll get mad at you. **

**2. While it is ok to give the young girl Pudding sugar, don't. Well you can, if you don't value your safety or sanity that much, that is.**

**3. Don't set up pointy-eared alien guys with the girls in the cafe. While it may be fun to watch, it's less fun when they get their hands on you (unless they enjoy the company).**

**From Muggleborn artist**

**Oh my Rowling! You watch hetalia! I now can send you a lot of hetalia inspired rules! **

**-Allying with the Bad Touch Trio is not a good idea.**

**-If France ever asks you to go see the eiffel tower, get the hell out of there.**

**-If you somehow end up in Japan at the school Ouran Academy, don't go into the third music room.**

**-If you have to go to the third music room, ally with Hikaru and Karou.**

**-Halloween is that special time of the year when crazy sh*t happens. So you should probably avoid the old house the villagers warned you about. **

**-If you happen to ignore them and do go to the house, keep your weapon with you at all times.**

**-If you meet steve (alien from hetaoni) RUN LIKE HELL!**

**-Learn to summon Russia. **

**-And remember when all else fails, RUN LIKE HELL!**

**From Auctor**

**- If you can see a deatheater, he can see you too.**

**- and if you run away, he WILL see you.**

**- screaming in the ear is a good way to mean "let me go"**

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><p>And here are my rules.<p>

87. Having a Plan B that boils down to "twice as much C4 as Plan A" is a bad idea.

-but it's twice as fun.

88. Superheroes don't like it when you suggest that they should change their name to Collateral Damage Man/Girl/Woman/Boy.

89. Doing something you saw Han Solo or Indiana Jones do once generally never works out.

90. No one gets the joke when you call a house elf "Legolas."

91. Chainsaws are unwieldy when used as weapons.

92. Giving Nostradamus a sneak peek of the future is frowned upon by timelords.

93. People find the statement "I wish all of my enemies were French" to be offensive.

94. "Took your time didn't you?" is not the correct response to being rescued.

95. Selling Superhero insurance is only profitable if you make sure that no heroes ever damage the town/city again.

-the same rule applies to Supervillian insurance.

-unless you're scamming your customers, in which case you had better move on to the next city before the next Superhero/Supervillain fight.

96. Death Eaters don't really care if you hold another Death Eater hostage.

97. The phrase "And hope they miss a lot" should not be a key part of any escape plan.

98. Mother's don't like it when you offer to perform an exorcism on their screaming children.

99. No magical government approves of using Imperio on sharks and forcing them to perform like trained dolphins in front of muggles.

100. How to enjoy Disneyland/Disneyworld parks:

Obtain perception filter. (A device that basically functions as the fanon "Notice-me-not" spell)

Use perception filter to sneak into park.

Use perception filter to cut in line.

Use silencing charm on noisy brats children.

101. The eighties were horrifying. (The hair, oh god, the hair.)

102. My cousins inform me that if I see a woman in the parking lot of a bar wrecking her cheating ex-boyfriend's car I am not allowed to help her.

-Or tell her how she can make sure the car will never run again.

- Or suggest other ways she could get back at her ex.

103. Mothers don't like it when you tell their little boy that tampons are firecrackers and them give them a box of Tampax and a book of matches.

104. Mothers don't like it when you tell their children that the playground was built on an old burial ground.

-even if it was and a ghost has been terrorizing the homeless at night.

105. Telling anyone, especially Hermione, that the best part of travelling is traumatizing the children of all nations is a bad idea.

106. The government doesn't like it when you tell paranoid conspiracy theorists that Sector Seven has put tiny bombs in their brains that will detonate and mimic a stroke or an aneurism if they get toclose to the truth.

107. The government also doesn't like it when you encourage drunken off-duty soldiers, sailors, andor marines to prove their manliness by "Charging into battle, naked, like the Celts."

- especially if the field of battle is across the street from the base and the battle itself is basically a naked pillow fight.

108. Telling little girls your related to that if you were a pony your special talent would be ruining lives and your cutie mark would be the world on fire is frowned upon by your relatives and will get back to your parents.

109. Farmers don't like it when you tip their cattle, paint their horses to look like My Little Pony characters, or use magic to get their chickens to breath fire.

- Magical law enforcement will be less than understanding when you explain that the farmer's son was being overly flirtatious with your cousin, won't understand at all when you call the farmer a red-neck Vernon Dursley, but will concede that the farmer is jerk.

110. There are teenagers out there that rebel against their parents by dressing up in goth clothing, claiming to worship Satan, and claim to be able to use black magic. Scaring them straight by showing them real magic is fun.


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